He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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