I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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