I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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