so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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