apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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