i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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