I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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