life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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