Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My life is pants optional.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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