I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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