just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
