I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
