the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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