Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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