I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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