Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He passed out mid-signature
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
