I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
