Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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