You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
