She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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