I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
