You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's rum buckets o'clock
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
