He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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