is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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