Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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