am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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