I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
