I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
