Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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