dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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