do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
