i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
