If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
