after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
