Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
