The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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