All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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