When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
