farters have to be the big spoon...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
