Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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