my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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