i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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