I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
