Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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