Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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