im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Mom said you looked used
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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