I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The power of my boobs compel you
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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