your parents love me but you hate me
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
