i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
