I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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