Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
