Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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