I hate all girls vehemently.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You ruined the universe
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
