Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
