I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
