god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
