They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Ladies don't puke and tell
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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