Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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