You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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