chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
where are my eyebrows?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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