someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
