i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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