She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
