I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
