Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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