My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
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Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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