So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize