If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just gargled with NyQuil
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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