I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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