theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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