im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
