apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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